The Shadow

Do we change who we are as we grow into our spirituality, into our better selves, into the evolution of the best we can be?  Yesterday, a friend posted on Facebook that she has a hard time explaining who she used to be before she focused on inner work and lifestyle changes.  She went on to describe her old self and said that her old self is now dead.  She described who she was in some not so flattering terms, grateful to have moved beyond these attributes.  This isn’t the first post I have seen of its kind and it won’t be the last.  I can understand the pride that one feels when you take drastic measures to change your inner landscape and lifestyle.  I can understand the need to measure who you have become vs. who you once were.  But I question if that person is actually gone.  I also feel that it vilifies the person we once were and does not factor in compassion.  I have changed in ways as yet unmeasurable, but I love the Casey that I once was.  I see her battle for perfection, her desire to be the best she can be.  I see her trying to achieve that by comparing herself to others.  I see her not understanding how to love herself. I see her choosing ways to cope with the pain and uncertainty.  I see how strong she was, and the joy she still took in life.  I see her unwavering commitment to her friends and her career.  There is a clear line in the sand when she stopped choosing coping mechanisms that no longer worked for her.  But I do not blame her or shame her (anymore) for choosing the ones she did when she did.  The same night I wrote the above, my phone chose to feature pictures of me from the time when I was not only deepest in my dependence on drinking but also when I was trying desperately to quit.  I look at her face and am overcome with love for how hard she is trying to get life right.  I want to hug her and tell her I see her pain.  I won’t tell her, “Everything will be okay”, because she is not ready to hear that yet.  She believes everything is okay already, AND she believes she wants to change. She is stubborn and willful and beautiful and earnest.  She has a fire for life that she can’t quite bear, so she turns to solutions that help her numb, that help her check-out, that help her sleep. 

My grandmother passed away in the night and I found out in the morning.  I spent that day “fine”, not understanding or seeing that I was under a sky of sad and grief and loss.  I reverted to an old coping mechanism and ate food I haven’t made it a consistent habit of eating.  I ate more than I typically eat and felt relief in the uncomfortable fullness of my stomach.  The fullness of my stomach numbed me, helped me check-out and helped me sleep. I don’t want to wake up today and have shame for that.  I don’t want to wake up today and feel that I “was not in alignment of my values”.  I want to wake up and recognize that I took relief in the way that I knew how.  I want to hug the grieving me and tell me I see the pain. 

I circle back around to my friend’s Facebook post, because calling parts of ourselves in the past as “dead” seems to me to not leave a lot of room for compassion and grace.  I also don’t think it leaves a lot of room for present failure. 

I believe strongly that life is like a spiral staircase.  Do you remember the first time you climbed a spiral staircase?  I do.  I was very little, and I had no idea what was at the top.  There was just a small opening without much in the way of informing me what to expect when I stepped through.  In order to climb, I had to have faith in myself, faith in others and a strong sense of adventure and courage.  As we go through life, we do not see the what is on the other side.  We go around and around the spiral, circling back to the ways in which we can learn to grow.  We face the shadow sides of ourselves in these challenging moments.  We face our shadow selves with compassion and grace, accepting ourselves fully for all our parts, even the ones we do not want to admit we have.  Facing our shadow selves takes faith in ourselves, faith in others and a strong sense of adventure and courage. 

I ask again, do we change who we are as we grow into our spirituality, into our better selves, into the evolution of the best we can be?  Or, is the fundamental change that we embrace who we are in totality? Let me know what you think.