Knock Knock

When I was in middle school, my parents tried repeatedly to influence my friendships.  I am unsure if they did not remember the nightmare that is early adolescent friendships, or if they believed that through sheer effort of will, they could control my friendships, but they tried.  They wanted me to be friends with kids from church, because it would give them a sense of security that I would stay on the straight and narrow.  But cliques had already been formed, hierarchies already established, and I was stuck with the friends I sat at the lunch table with every day.  Might I add, I was happily stuck with the friends I sat at the lunch table with every day.  No amount of proximity and forced exposure could change that my being (soul, heart, mind and body) felt comfortable, safe and buoyant with my lunch table friends.  I tried to also be friends with the kids at church, but I mostly felt like an outsider, like an imposter, like someone on their best behavior that could only be liked if she stayed as her best representation of herself and never revealed all the messiness of humanity she actually was.

I am thinking that my adult trials and tribulations are much like these adolescent friendships.  Addiction came knocking on my door in my early twenties.  It came in many forms, and I liked most of them.  I became best friends with a select few of them.  I felt comfortable, safe and buoyant with my addictions.  Until, just like some of my middle school friendships, they turned on me and wanted more from me than I was willing to give.  I had a choice, to either stay and keep giving until I was depleted, or leave and lose my sense of belonging, safety and security.  I chose to leave my addictions behind and there was a long time when I was in isolation from myself and the world.  There was forced proximity and exposure to the inner workings of my being and it took many years to stop feeling like an imposter.  It took many years to learn to like myself in all the messiness of humanity that I actually am.

Despite all the lessons I have learned the past few years, visitors still come knocking at the door of my heart.  They are known more familiarly as depression, over-working, food obsession and others I probably do not even have a name for yet.  I leave the light on for them because they are the next parade of friends that make me feel comfortable, safe and buoyant.  They distract me from staying close to myself, from loving the messy human I am.  These friends want more from me than I am willing to give.

However, new friends are starting to knock on my door.  Joy comes by, sometimes just for moments, sometimes for a few days.  Peace and I are becoming better and better friends, especially as I learn to calm the incessant chatter of my mind.  Gratitude is the most fickle of my new friends, sometimes visiting me with all the bells ringing like a Pink Floyd song, and sometimes sneaking in the perimeter of the back yard like the first budding of spring.  Hope is my strongest ally against depression, and hopefully (yes, I see what I am doing there) I will feed hope the banquet she needs to stick around.  I am afraid that these friends, too, will want more from me than I am willing to give.

I do not know if the parade of visitors will ever stop, if there will always be a new friend knocking on door.  I have historically kept strong boundaries around meeting new human friends in my life.  I do not keep my heart open for strangers, and it takes awhile for me to commit to friendships.  I am trying to be open to new connections and become more social these days.  I hope I can be the same with the metaphysical friends that come knocking on my door.  They all have something to teach me, and they all lead to new friends I have never considered before.  They will all ask more of me than I am willing to give, but they will all teach me there is a bottomless well within me, that never runs dry.  This well is known as Love, and Love is my most steadfast friend.  Love is who encourages me to forgive myself.  Love is who encourages me to begin again when I fail.  Love is who encourages me to welcome all visitors at my door, for it is Love who reminds me that everyone has value.  Cheers to friendship, in all areas of life, and thank you if you are one of mine.